TGIF BITCH!

Here are some pictures to make your Friday bright!

This is Mr T taking that "I am trying to look coy" pic.

Only the best muscian ever!

TGIF BITCHES!

Only the most fabulous alien ever created!

Enjoy the weekend all!

EATIN' GOOD IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

My top ten favorite foods:

10) Fois Gras
9) Gummy Bears, jelly belly’s, ju ju bees
8) Ice Cream (pistachio, white licorice)
7) Pate, braunschweiger
6) Tillamook Sharp Cheddar Cheese
5) Pickles & Sauerkraut
4) Cured Meats (pepperoni, capicola, Prosciutto, salami)
3) Hot Dogs
2) Watermelon
1) Crème Brule

By looking at this list, one might suspect that I am pregnant. NO. I am 1/4 German and these foods are what Germanic people eat. Like the gummy bears. They created the damn things. http://www.candyusa.org/Candy/gummicandy.asp Germany is really Gummy Land. They go nutz for them bears! And when it comes to cured meats, hot dogs & braunschweiger, those are their national team’s mascots. And don’t even think about fucking with a Germans Sauerkraut! They will sausage your ass. So I say make yourself a list, check it twice, and see if your heritage peeks through your favorite foods…..

WHAT NOW?

I worked so hard for PRW, that now that it is over I feel:

a) abandoned
b) lost
c) not quite sure what goal to focus on now
d) proud
e) all of the above

I do have projects on the burner, such as:

a) birthday gifts
b) making bag inventory
c) sourcing handbag retailers
d) making clothes for the summer
e) waxing on and waxing off
f) all of the above

The positive about working so hard to get garments together for PRW is that now I have lots of energy and confidence to continue making garments. What I would like to make in the near future:

a) spring/summer dresses
b) sassy jackets
c) printed t’s with flare
d) skirts with rockets and pockets
e) windshield wiper cozies
f) a summery duvet cover

I am really proud of myself. My garments were beautifully made. They look great on, and each piece was technically better and better than the previous one. I also received a lot of advice on what I need to do to improve my skills:

a) buy 20 zippers and sew them over and over again
b) take the time for the finishing touches, they make a difference
c) get your overlock machine fixed
d) draw/put your ideas/inspirations on paper daily
e) enjoy it

So I am going to work this next week on creating some new pieces, as well as working on the business that I currently have. All in all, I am happy with the direction in which I am going, and plan to ride this train to the top of Creative Mountain!

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT UGLY GIRLS

(Due to technical difficulties, I was unable to post while away. Sorry faithful readers for the delay).

FASHION DAY
CHICAGO. 3/23/06 5:45 am

It was a beautiful morning.
The sun was shining.
Not a cloud in the sky.
Mid 40’s, but with the sun, beautiful.

Sock Monkey and I awoke and got ready. Although she was unable to model the dress for me that day, she was kind enough to wake with me and escort me to the “W” Hotel. We left her apartment at 7:00am, grabbed a cup of joe and headed via bus to Lake Shore Drive. While on the bus I spy a lady and a gent, garment bag in tow, heading toward the lake. “I know where they’re going,” I point out to Sock Monkey.

We ring the bell and hop off the bus, only to stand on Lake Shore Drive, in the blazing morning sun, wondering which direction the “W” Hotel was. I didn’t bring the address. It is a hotel for crying out loud, it should stand out, right? Sock Monkey gets out her cell and dials 411 to get a hold of someone at the “W” for an address. Frustrated, she is disconnected twice. I look up the road only to see the lady and gent that I spotted on the bus. They will know which way to go.

They don’t. We hang a left on Lake Shore Drive and walk a few blocks. Nadda. We then backtrack and hang a right for 6-8 blocks. The addresses of the buildings are growing. Between Sock Monkey, the lady and the gent, they finally get a hold of an address for the “W”. We back track again, taking a left, and arrive in front of the “W” hotel at 7:45am. There is a line, but the sun is shining and we have a great view of the lake, and the line doesn’t look so bad. SO FAR SO GOOD.

The “Lady” and the “Gent” (which they will be referred to from here on out) file in line ahead of me, and agree to be my buddies while Sock Monkey leaves me and heads off to work. I have already gained two friends and it is only 8:00 in the morning! I am pretty sweaty at this point from all of the huffing around carrying my garment bag, a satchel, my clutch and a cup of joe, so standing in the sun becomes a nice rest bit.

The line begins to grow. Designers begin to file in line behind me, wrapping around the building. A beautiful lady from Kentucky is standing behind me and we chit chat. She has on a lovely orange suit jacket, and we thank our lucky stars that the sun is out to keep us warm.

Volunteers come thru and hand out wavers for those designers that have models. They take our pictures with a Polaroid which we staple to the outside of our 24 page application with our number. I was #71. The Gent #70. Miss Kentucky #72. Things are moving along, but the line isn’t. It is building its way around the building. #70 and I get to talking. He graduated from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago and now is working in fashion. #69 (who becomes one of the dopple-ganger three), also attended SAIC the same time that I did, and we gossip about people that we both knew, and people that we both despised. Things are still going well, and the line isn’t moving.

(#69, the Lady & #70)

It is past 10:00am. The sun disappears. It gets down right COLD. But we keep chit-chatting and being catty to keep ourselves in high spirits. (Believe you me, there was so much eye candy to be catty about, from garments to really bad trannies, I really should have taken more photos). We are freezing. Miss Kentucky’s lips are turning blue. We get word that the line of designers is mounting to around 140.

11:00am. We are still standing outside. Gent #70, tells us that he tried out last year in Huston. There are three initial screening stages:
First: A producer walks around and asks you questions.
Second: A couple producers take a look at your portfolio/garments.
Third: The judges. (the rumor mill has pegged Nick, from season two, as this year’s judge.

Noon. It is down right FREEZING. And we are hungry. True fashion martyrs. We are all just waiting to make it to the heated, but still outside Valet tent, in which we will be questioned. Every time the sun comes out we run to find it, trying to warm our bones. #69, a younger looking version, but just as cute, of Nick, and I head to the front lawn, where some sun is scattering across the grass. He points out those in line he knows. Those who are doushbags. When one approaches.

“HEY! OH MY GOD, I haven’t seen you in, like years. I have been wrapped up in a crazy life. After school I got an internship in New York with Donna Karen. Then I moved to Paris where I was sewing for (fill in fancy designer here). I then moved back, hoping to use all of my FABULOUS skills and everyone I interviewed with told me I had TOO much talent, and was terribly over QULIFIED! So guess what I am doing now? Besides standing here in my FABULOUS PRADA shoes and (fancy designer) jacket? I am sewing band uniforms in Minnesota! CAN YOU BELIVE IT!?!” – we will call him “Frenchie” finally leaves, after much gagging from #70 and I.

Finally we make it to the semi heated carport! HELL YEAH! It is like 10-20 degrees warmer, and there are places to sit! It is like heaven. The Lady is kind enough to grab us some snacks to appease our gurgling tummies. The producer makes his round, asking us all questions and writing our names on a clipboard. His real name is Michael, and looks like Jered Letto, only BETTER.

“How are you today?”
“Why did you come out?”
“What makes your designs different?”
“Did you go to school for design?”

We then are left to wait some more. Turns out they go to lunch. Hey, at least we are in the tent. My team (#69, #70 & the Lady) decide, no matter how far each of us get, that after we will wait for each other at the “W” bar and grab a cocktail.

3:00pm. Somehow, #69 & #70 get ushered in without me and I am left to stand outside and wait. My number gets called. A producer tells me to wait to the side, and they grab #71 and #72 to go in ahead of me. They then take me in to wait with a group that is heading up an elevator to get judged by the panel. I skip the portfolio review and hop onto the elevator with the group, which contains my gang #69 & #70. While riding the elevator a producer tells us:

“Turn all cell-phones off. They are filming. They can hear all of the noises we make, so you need to be as quite as possible. There are racks of hangers when we get off the elevator. You need to hang your garments up and sit in the order of your numbers. Wear only what you want to be seen in, so if you want to take of your jackets, now would be the time. Sit and wait in number order to be miked up. The judging panel can take 2 minutes or it can take 20, so be prepared.”

BAM. We were off the elevator. Hanging garments. Taking off jackets. Sitting in Order. Getting miked up. Grabbing our garments. Waiting two by two to enter the room of judges. You can here them inside. You can here Tim Gunn making comments and people laughing. #69 goes in first. Then #70. It is my TURN! OH MY GOD IT IS MY TURN!

I walk in, past the garment rack. Hang my three garments and look up. Sitting at a 8”, white clothed table are the panel. A female producer, TIM GUNN, NICK and another female producer. I set my portfolio in front of Tim and head to the X on the floor where I was told to stand.

Tim: “How are you, Michelle?”

M: “Sweaty! I hope you can’t smell me from there!”

All: Laughter “We are too!”

Tim: “So you flew all the way here from Portland?”

M: “I used to live here and have some retailers here in Chicago, so I thought it was a good place to try out, mixing business with pleasure.”

Tim: “What type of retailers?”

M: “I make handbags.”

Producer: “Do you do that full time?”

M: “No, I supplement my income in the wine industry.”

Tim: “What makes you think you have what it takes to be on Project Runway?”

M: “Besides my sparkling personality?”

All: Laughter, making cute faces……

I begin to describe my design aesthetic and what I have to offer. During this speech, Tim is flipping thru my portfolio and sliding it across the table to one of the producers. The other two just are staring at me. I finish my speech. Tim looks up at my garments on the rack (which are 10 feet away from the judging panel I might add) and says:

Tim: “I just don’t think that you are what we are looking for.”

Each producer and Nick file in tune: “Yeah, not quite what we are looking for.”

M: “Alright. Alright.” I pull down the dress from the rack and say “even though I have a matching handbag for my dress, I mean, it is just TACKILY WONDERFUL don’t you think?”

All: Laughter.

Nick: “You do have a wonderful personality. Keep up the good work.”


FIN.


Side note: Isn't that what they say about ugly girls?

less than 24 HRS & COUNTING

I am here in CHI-town, rolled in at 5 am. Cranky. Tired. Sock Monkey and I went and had some diner breakfast, came back to her place and crashed for a few hours while she, and her beyonce "music man", were at work.

I just washed up, added some clothes (it is cold here) and am going to take off to do some much needed sandwitching topped off with a latte.

I want to take this oppertunity to thank all of you that helped me get here.

Miss Wyoming: Big ups to you and your sister, Jessisca Simpson, for hookin a sister up with some fly ass tickets. (Yes ladies and gents, miss thang here got to sit first class!) I am sorry that my husband, CHAZ, didn't call you, like I asked him too last night to tell you I made it on the flight. I will discuss the afore mentioned with him.

CHAZ: Don't be leavin a bitch hangin. Other than that, Thank you for all of your help. I know you miss your wife, and I haven't seen much of you, BUT, I will be home in a few short days and it will be snuggles all around!

Wacky: Where do I begin. You are the egg that came first to my chicken. Um. What I am trying to say is, Thank You. Every lady needs a kindred spirit like yourself!

Jimmy: A supportive phone call from a friend is like a pint in a storm, ALWAYS WELCOME.

Sock Monkey: To crash at your pad is like re-living the days of yore. (you remember those days when we lived, you know, in Yore?)

Velcro: There is just too much to write here, you cute, stinky dog you.


If I forgot anyone, I am sorry. I am only on but a few hours of sleep. Which reminds me. Guess who I ran into at the airport? Mr New York-New York and his boyfriend Skinny Pants! I haven't seen them since Miss Wyomings wedding, where my parents couldn't get enough of them! They were flying to New York (go figure) and I told them all about the adventure I was about to have. And I quote:
"Girl, I would wish you good luck, but you don't need it- YOU ARE SO GETTING ON THERE!"

I swear ladies and gents, I have it coming out of all ends!

So I am going to raise my glass and toast: "To Tim Gund and his marvelous eye for picking miss thang to be on season 3!"

CHEERS!

(I was going to upload some photo's here but I don't think my camera plug thing is compatible with Sock Monkey's Mac... I will wait till she gets home to work this one out.)

1 1/2 DAYS & COUNTING

Tonight is the night where I, hopefully board a plane and head to Chicago. My heart is racing already! If I make this flight tonight (I am flying standby) I get into Chi-Town at 5:00am. Did you catch that folks? THE RED-EYE. I know. Hard Core.

Since Sock Monkey won’t be awake at 5 AM, I am going to board the “L” and head in her direction, where she will pick me up from the “L” station and we can scream and giggle our way to the nearest coffee shop for some morning sustenance.
The last time I took the “L” was probably 5 years ago, and I am looking forward to it slightly. Since I am flying stand-by thru Miss Wyoming’s sisters’ buddy pass, I have to represent the company and dress up. I am not quite feeling the sleek attire on a train at 5 in the morning with the weather in the 30’s, but since I am totally afraid of public restrooms, I am not about to change at O’Hare. (Can’t you just picture me waiting on the train platform in “job interview” gear and Sock Monkey meeting me in p.j.s?).

I am looking forward to sharing my next few days with everyone. I am bringing a camera so that I can take many photos.

Photos I am most excited to take:
Sock Monkey in her jamies
The “W” hotel
TIM GUND (he is my all time favorite)
My Chicago competition
The public restrooms at the “W” hotel
Sock Monkey’s fat cat “MOOSE”
The producers of PRW
Previous contestants on PRW
Old Style beer

Can you just not wait to see those pics? You will have to be hanging until the day arrives. Which is speeding here so quickly, it will be over in a blink of an eye!

Until then, I would like to dedicate this post '1 1/2 DAYS & COUNTING' to the Drylid-Blackys. They both have not only called to wish me good tidings, but miss thang Wacky-Poo-Blacky posted a fantastic cheerleading blog! You two are like the twin-married-couple Chaz and I have never had. Thank you for being a friend, travel down the road and back again, your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant.

Orange you glad you're not a Banana?

That is what I think of when I look at this dress! The color isn't true in these photographs. The fabric is an orange/charcoal checker print, with a VIVID yellow sash-thing. Isn't it just GRAND?!?! And the best part of it is, it has a MATCHING handbag! Yeah, fucking cool, and yet oh-so-tackey.

I love it. I wish I could wear it, however I custom made it to fit my possible model "sock monkey". She is who I am staying with in Chicago. She doesn't sound to sure that she will be able to make it. As far as I see it, I made a custom dress for her ass (which I am pleased as punch with), and because I made her a custom dress, she better get her butt out of work! Did anyone hear of a rabid case of whooping cough going around?

Anyhow. Now all I have to do before leaving tonight is:

Button/hooks on coat
buttons on skirt
laundry
packing
figuring out what to wear
eating
showering
shaving
portfolio
trimming extra threads off garments
kissing husband
having a glass of wine

I think that I can do it between now and then, don't you?
CHEERS! I can't beleive I did it!

if she can do it

THAN I CAN DO IT. Check this out faithfull readers:

(I keep trying to post a picture of her and it isn't letting me, sorry folks).

LOS ANGELES -
Della Reese' is tired of boring clothes for larger women. So the plus-size actress and singer has started her own clothing line.

"It's very difficult for me to find anything with shape or color ... some oomph," said Reese, who described herself as 5 feet 2 inches tall and 200 pounds.
Reese, 74, has designed her own vividly hued outfits for years. Her line, Della Reese Fashions, will debut April 4 on the Home Shopping Network.
"I want to give women the opportunity to have some pizazz also," said Reese, who starred in TV's "Touched by an Angel."
Her line of cocktail, office and casual wear will feature a range of colors.
"I like bright yellows, oranges, reds. I like purple and pink, not just purple and purple and purple," she said.
Reese is also an activist against diabetes and a church pastor. Four months ago, she received a doctorate in divinity from the University of Metaphysics in Sedona, Ariz.


I mean SHIT, what HASN'T this woman done?

Number Two

Almost complete. I still have to sew in the hem, add the eye hook above the zipper and sew the button details on to the bottom. I think I am cruzing along here.

Front:

Back:Detail:
As long as I get tomorrow off, I think I will be finished in time to catch a plane.

The big question is, what am I going to wear?

2 X 4 DAYS AND COUNTING

So I leave tomorrow for Chicago. I don't have much time. Chaz picks up the prints from the photo place this afternoon, and I have six or so hours of job work to do. So I got my butt up early, made some coffee and toast and am heading down to finish the skirt. I will post a photo before heading off to work.

Here goes morning maddness.

less than 5 DAYS & COUNTING

I told myself that I wasn’t going to get frustrated, that this whole project (project-get-me-on-reality-TV), was going to be an adventure, something to look forward to. Today was a different story.

I can control my sewing. I can control my creativity and ideas. I can have fun with this. HOWEVER, I can not control the sale of portfolios, nor the merchandizing of them, which has turned out to be my biggest frustration out of this whole process. I know what I want. I know what I want to spend. But I can’t find it. Instead I have to search, high and low, to over 10 different stores, INCLUDING, second-hand shops, looking for a stylish, clean, not cheap looking, 3-ring-binder-portfolio-thingy. I have spent more time roaming around the city looking for the elusive plastic contraption than I have sewing, which is a DAMN shame.

So, I was almost brought to tears. I KNOW. TEARS. I shouldn’t be crying, or on the brink of crying during such an exciting adventure such as project-get-me-on-reality-TV! While balancing on the edge my superhero of a husband ran out into the foggy, wind swept, scrap booking world and brought me some closure. He brought me 8 ½” X 11” plastic, non acid, page protectors. And not just one style, TWO to choose from. I was so close to jumping off that “I’m going to go psycho cliff,” but Chaz rescued me. Give him props everybody!

And not only did he rescue me, but they look great.

Anyhow, it is going on 7 pm, and I have only just finished my first garment to show. Enjoy the pictures, I am off to start my second garment. Ciao babies!

less than 6 DAYS & COUNTING

What a day! I didn’t actually hit the thread until quarter past seven this evening, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t uneventful. Today validated the fact that people, deep down, just really want to be humanitarians and help other people. I have seen it more in the past three days than any other time in my life. It is AWE-inspiring.

Here is just a tid-bit of what I have experienced lately:

Friends Miss Wyoming, Wacky, & Gucci have pushed and prodded me and given me support to go out on a limb and fulfill a whim. From procuring me a ticket, to supporting with words from afar, I really couldn’t ask for a better cheer-leading section.

Photos A guy I have never met before letting me use his studio on a Friday night after a long work week working in someone else’s photo studio, of which we stayed for FOUR hours, AND doing the post work (editing) of all of the photos. WHO does that? FOR FREE? Prints them, cleans them up, sets up the lights, etc. FUCKING PEOPLE ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Sales I know, customer service can be a bit tricky to navigate, however, like I stated before, “people inherently want to help people.” It makes us all feel good to have a pleasant interaction with a stranger, and the more we can reproduce those feelings the better our lives are. Two examples:

1. I had to get my digital studio photos of my garments printed at a professional printer. Miss Wyoming guessed it would cost between $50-$60. The first stop estimated over $100 just for 15 prints, which didn’t include my additional 11 prints of handbags. A bit forlorn we left and headed to a second shop. At the second shop (Quick Stop Photo, located in downtown PDX), I was quoted $6 a print. Still too high for my budget. The gal behind the counter then said, “BUT, if you upload them yourself on our computer there (located at the end of the counter), it will cost you a mere $1.99 per print. Or you can go home and upload them there.” She then proceeded to walk us through the process, holding our hands and telling jokes the whole time. An incredibly PLEASANT experience, which only cost $35! HOT DAMN, you say. I KNOW.

2. On the 6 stop quest for finding an inexpensive but sleek portfolio our last stop took us to our neighborhood office supply retailer Office. We walked in and the owner recognized us immediately. “Manny & Michelle, right?” HOLY SHIT, we have met him, maybe twice. And spent a good ½ hour looking up portfolio styles online and showing us what they had, which were fucking beautiful, but way over the bugee. HOW WONDERUFL. What a local neighborhood retailer should be like. I felt like I was at Olive Garden, where we all become family. (Who remembers the waiter, Jeremy?)

So anyhow. I know I am going on and on about this stuff, but I really feel like I am on cloud 9, not only because I am doing what I love, but because of all the people I love around me. I hope this rollercoaster doesn’t stop, because I really don’t want to get off!
Therefore, I dedicate “Less than 6 DAYS & COUNTING” to all of the people out there that love to help others, for nothing but a smile. I am smiling right now.

6 DAYS & COUNTING

The photo shoot yesterday went amazingly well, it just took longer than we thought. 4 hours to shoot 8 garments! Yeah, I know. But they look professional and FANTASTIC! Take a look.

So today I have to take them down to a photo printing place and have them printed as well as 10 pictures of my bags. I am hoping it doesn’t cost over $50. Then I have to find a portfolio to put them in. What do you all think of these ideas:

Michelle’s first fashion folio:
Black book with Black pages
Actually sewing the photographs to the pages (do you think this will look too crafty?)
The first pages garments followed by handbag pictures
Branding each page with my business card or stenciled ‘m’
Including pictures of when I wore the garments (i.e., wedding dress)

Working with Miss Wyoming was a pleasure last night. Since she works in the pro-photo world, she knows all of the touches (hence the photo shoot taking four hours). But since I already gave her a shout out yesterday, it is time for someone else’s glory. Chaz, step on up.
Today Chaz is going to be my right hand man. (He is really my left hand man, ever since we got hitched 3 1/2 years ago, and he placed that ring on my left hand finger). He is going to help me pick ten handbag pictures out of 100, size them down and have them printed. He is going to help me organize the folio as well as pick one out. He is going to buy me lunch (he doesn’t know about this one yet), as well as take me to the fabric store to buy some last minute things: thread, zippers, snaps, etc.

So, Thank you Chaz. I know this whirl-wind experience has been hard for you. I am always in the studio, or running around, and we don’t get to spend much time together, and I know you are feeling a bit left out. I want to thank you. I want to thank you for being incredibly supportive. I want to thank you for stretching the buck when we don’t have much so that I can do this. I dedicated “6 DAYS & COUNTING” to you Chaz. The most loving husband in the world.

Did I tell you all the open casting call is being held at The W hotel in Chicago? Fancy, right? What ever am I going to wear? I am up for suggestions. (No, Chaz, I’m not going to wear a thong…)

7 DAYS & COUNTING

(I will try my best to post each day, possibly twice to document the progress of my reality TV experience).

Requirements for the open casting call are:
1. 3 clothing looks of my own design
2. Picture Portfolio
3. Completed application

So far I have the 3rd requirement completed. I have the three pieces that I am going to bring designed on paper. They are:
1. A modern take on a 1950’s style party jacket.
2. An un-boring figure flattering pencil skirt to razzle dazzle at a board meeting.
3. And finally, a Pacific Northwest party dress that goes from baby shower brunch to wine country in the snap of a finger.



Out of the three I am about ½ finished on the jacket.
I still have to:
Finish the sleeves
Add the collar
Attach the lining
Closures (snaps, buttons, etc)

After I get the above completed I need to get all of my finished looks from years past together as well as my dress form and meet up with Miss Wyoming. She and I, bless her soul, are going to her co-workers house to use his photo studio to get me a portfolio! I have ten looks, including my wedding dress, to photograph. Plus about 100 pictures of handbags I already have documented to add to the folio. Once we are done (Miss Wyoming thinks it will take about 3 hours) I need to take her out for something special. Perhaps a cool treat at Dairy Queen?

She has helped me out so much to get this process rolling, from finding me a plane ticket to helping me put together my portfolio. Without Miss Wyoming, my dream of becoming a reality TV star wouldn’t be happening. (for all of the other peeps that have helped me, don’t worry, your blog thanking butt will see the page soon). So I am dedicating this here 7 days left blog to Miss Wyoming!

As far as the other two looks are concerned, I need to start the skirt by tomorrow morning and the dress by Sunday night. Plus find a book for a portfolio and print out all of the pictures and place them, nicely, in my very first fashion folio (say that three times fast). I think that I can do it! I think that I can get it done by Tuesday night! I am the little train that could! Or is it engine?

Miss Wyoming might kill me for using this photo, but it is the only updated picture I have of her! Doesn't Relyt look drunk?!

I'M HOOKED ON A FEELING

That is what I have to go with. To ride this sewing exploration out.

Today start the mad-capped five day prep that leads up to my Reality T.V. adventure. I am a bit nervous. I go through waves of excitement followed by “what the fuck am I thinking” followed by “I can do this; I whip up stylie looks all the time using my Sears brand Kenmore.” WHAT!

Yeah. That is what I sew on. A Sears, $100 model Kenmore. I am sure the other folks out there that are vying for one of the 16 slots sew with much more fabulous machines, like the golden Juki, or the ever so orgasmic Pfaff. I am having machine envy based anxiety attacks. THERE IS NO TIME FOR THOSE. So today I am going to hit the fabric, head up, fingers crossed that in the next few days I can produce the most mind blowing, creative pieces reality TV. has ever seen.

You with me, yall?

Are you ready to RUMBLE?

Well, I am. I’m coming out, I want the world to know, that I’m going to try to get on a T.V. show! Oh, yeah.

13 days and counting. I will be standing in a room in Chicago, somewhere, with a handful of clothes and bags and a dream. A dream to sew my butt off designing some of the most stellar, original, & colorful pieces the world has ever seen!

And perhaps I will make the cut. Perhaps not.

Why spend all of my time working hard for this in the next two weeks? Why battle with the stress level? Why go into a million to one scenario with the hope of acceptance? With the hope of a win? With the hope to be on television?

Because if passed up this opportunity I would wonder for the rest of my life if I could have made it. Not that being on television means making it, but the exposure would shred 5-10 years of work out of the way, getting my designs & style into visibility. THAT WOULD KICK ASS! And hey, if I meet a celebrity along the way, added bonus.

What is the agenda? For the next 13 days I need two sew three pieces, photograph all of my finished work, make a portfolio and get my butt to Chicago. Sounds easy, right?


We shall see.

Lo Cal Plate

On most diner menus, the Lo-Cal plate includes cottage cheese, a hamburger patty, a tomato slice and a few peaches. Now I have never ordered the Lo-Cal plate, mostly because it sounds unappealing, and I am not in the right age bracket, nor am thin enough. These are the women who order the Lo-Cal plate:

And these are the women who share the Lo-Cal plate:

The topic of the Lo-Cal plate came up on Saturday when I was eating cottage cheese. Chaz mentioned that he loved him some cottage cheese too, but is unable to eat it due to its ability to liquefy while in his belly and shoot like a rocket out of his ass. We actually caught this on film a few years ago. Take a look:

It was unfortunate timing, and the poor seagulls… Anyway, Chaz went online and looked up the Lo-Cal plate. Usually found under the salad section of traditional diner menus, the Lo-Cal plate is an inexpensive option for a meal. Since I have never had one, I am going to put it on my to-do list. I will keep you posted on my Lo-Cal experience. Bon Appetit.

it's the liquor talking.....

Tequila runs into Mix Mann at the local health clinic.

Both had had a late night.

Tequila had a date with Hammi,

while Mix was dancing the night away at the local discoteque, pickin up "rimmers".*

* In the drink world a "rimmer" is a beverage enhancer, usually placed on the rim of the cocktail glass, such as: rock salt for margaritas, sugar for lemondrops and celery salt for bloody marys. Mix Mann uses this word as slang for young gay prostitutes.

Trouble with a capital "L"

Leave no door open.
No beverage full & without a lid.
Keep all bells safely tucked away.
Hide your pin cushions.
Keep the toilet seat down.
Make sure all faucets are turned off.
Close the bathroom door before climbing into the shower.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Hide your pin cushions?

Yup. I’m not fucking around here. She is trouble. Trouble with a capital “L”. LaFonda. Destructor of all things destroyable. A menace to all things that look like they could use a menacing. Villain to all that is good, holy, and just. LA-what-the-fuck-did-you-do-to-my-pin-cushion-FONDA. What did she do? Take a look.

Now, I habitually close my sewing studio door, but there is the rare occasion where I plum forget. This was one of those instances. Down right HONKEY TONK! That is what she is! A HONKEY TONK CAT! And she isn’t the only one. There is another member of her destructive gang. Timmy, also a HONKEY TONK CAT! Timmy’s methods are a bit more physical. He attacks the person. Climbs the limbs like a tree. Catapults onto your chest to kneed ferociously. (I could have had two puns there, but decided not to on behalf of my readers). Curls up in a sleepy ball, looking so peaceful, but when you come near- he’ll fucking rip your eyeballs out.

OH YEAH, HONKEY TONK CATS.

At night they roam the house, jonesin’ for trouble. “T” scratchin’ up the woodwork. “L” knocking down everything in her path on her race around the house. These two cats are so evil, that you can spot them from a mile away.

Take a look at “T”:

And can you spot HONKEY TONK “L”?


That is what I thought.
Do your research before adopting a cat.

Make sure they aren’t members of the HONKEY TONK GANG!